Why Am I So Hesitant?

Hesitance. Whether it derives from fear, lack of motivation, or confusion: we all have experienced some sort of hesitation. Humans seem to be obsessed with the idea of having each detail of life mapped out perfectly in order to ensure a great lifestyle, and dont get me wrong: I am a huge “I will have anxiety if I don’t map out my next 20 years” person too. (I’m human, right?) But when does the time come when all of these plans halt and an obstacle appears? Life itself is described to be conformed of many unexpected events, yet we find ourselves still buying planners, downloading life plans, and making sure we NEVER slip up. How exhausting this must be for us. How draining this must be for our mental clarity. I can’t help but to ponder on the ideas of fulfilling each and every bulletpoint of my goals, yet I’m not even taking into consideration the way life actually is. The way life is supposed to be. We’ve all heard of the saying “live on the edge,” but it seems to me that I’m standing still on a plateau. Staring into the vast existence of my expectations of myself. And I have the audacity to question my hesitation? my fear of each and every plan falling, crumbling at my finger tips. It hurts to think about, really. But why? Why have I trained my mind to punish myself when something doesn’t work out? Im speaking on this because I know I’m not alone. We, especially ones who were raised around the “i must succeed in order to achieve” mindset, have been misconstruing the concept of life this whole time. Dont get me wrong, my fear of failure has gotten me where I am today. Through highschool, college, and multiple job positions. I’m thankful for my drive. but I must question why I have this drive in the first place. You, too. Is it because you’ll love where you will end up, or is it because the idea feels safe to you? for all of my followers on Instagram who’ve listened to me speak about the concept of safety, you’ve heard me state this. Safety comes from fear. Always. In order to be safe, I must follow these guidelines. I must have a partner who also has these set guidelines, I must have my life printed out as if it were the world map and im aiming for a sail. Fuck that. Fuck safety. fuck fear. As I lay in bed right now At 12 AM thinking back on my life, every decision I’ve made has been mapped out for me or I’ve chosen because it’s the route with the least bumps in the road. I believe each individual mind is trained to avoid advantageous decisions, making sure we’re covered and tucked in to our own security blanket. I’m here to tell you: the next decision that comes to mind, the next decision that crosses your path: allow your thoughts to speak. Allow yourself to consider all options, not just the safe ones. We as humans spend so much time worrying, stressing, preparing, that we are forgetting about everything else that surrounds us. Why all of this matters to begin with. Let yourself breathe today. Let yourself love today. Because without love, we‘d end up sacrificing ourselves and our lives to the easiest path that’s available. Life is meant to be lived on the edge, so will you live it with me?

if you can’t take away anything else from this post, take this: I (us all) have so many opportunities presented to us. If one fails, take another. Find what you love, and make sure it’s YOUR path. I see a lot of my loved ones following paths of other people’s shadows, and it frightens me. If you live in another‘s shadow, feeding off of others dreams, then how are you going to be completely fulfilled? Think about this as well: Am I doing what I love right in this moment? what YOU actually love? If not, why? Make it happen.

i love you guys, and I apologize for such a huge pause in my writing. I know many of you relate to my posts and my feelings, and I’m sorry for keeping them hidden for this long. Don’t worry though, I’ll always be here and I’ll always have this blog to express my inner feelings in order to help others like you who relate to me. if you’ve read this far, thank you. If you even clicked on this post, thank you. Again, I love you.

XOXO,

hannah